I think everyone needs to experience a relationship when they’re young. One of those where you both believe that you can’t live without each other. You’re so in love and every moment spent together is perfect. But then you get your heartbroken and realise that maybe they weren’t so perfect as you thought they once were. You begin to see their flaws, your flaws and all the flaws in the relationship. You’re so in love with the idea of love that you don’t see the shit, you don’t see the friends that you’re ignoring and leaving behind, you’re not aware of other people, and you don’t see the end because you don’t think there will be one. You’ve found someone that you believe you could spend the rest of your life with. But then it ends. It collapses, falls apart, breaks your heart. You’re left with nothing but the memories that haunt you. Of course for a long time you will long for you to get back together, but the likelihood of this is very small. Things end and fall apart for a reason, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with your life. You distance yourself because distance is good. You meet new people, people that becomes close friends. You go to places, experience life, travel the world. And you realise that you’re too young. Too young to get serious with someone, and certainly too young to spend the rest of your life with someone. There is so much of the world to see, and so many things still to experience. Of course you don’t regret the time you spent together, because it made you very happy. But it didn’t last. You can now be happy without them. It’s a different kind of happiness, but that doesn’t mean it’s inferior to the happiness they made you feel. That person and that relationship had a big impact on the person you are. Firstly they taught you how to be with someone and how to love someone else, but then when they left they taught you how to be on your own, because you had no other choice. Being able to be happy on your own is a very important thing to learn, afterall you’re still so young and there’s so much life still to live before you settle down.
I take for granted the good times too much. And by good times i mean the days i’m able to make it through without breaking down. But they don’t last, and i’m left feeling like this. And i hate it so much. I hate that when i’m like this, all I want to do is spend time with you. But you’re horrible to me, but then sometimes you’re nice and it gives me hope, but I can’t have hope because it just makes me feel like shit. everything makes me feel like shit. Like i’m doing nothing apart from work all weekend, and for a lot of people that would be fine, but I can’t physically deal with not having any plans to look forward to, because I have to have things to look forward to so I can make it through the day.
I just want to lie down next to someone and talk and cuddle. But that’s a lie, because I don’t want it to be someone, I want it to be you. except I don’t want it to be you because all you do is hurt me. And anyway you’d never agree to it. But the idea is nice. I just cant deal with being by myself because I get bad. To the extent that when i’m revising, I revise on the sofa sitting with my mum and dad. I’ve got better of course, there was a time when I couldn’t stand laying in bed on my own, but now I can spend time by myself and I don’t mind it as long as I’m doing something.
I’ve kind of discovered that my biggest flaw is my reliance on other people. I always get really close to someone and they leave, so I get really close to someone else. But people always leave don’t they. I rely too much on my mum now, and it’s not fair on her. She’s the ill one. But sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. Why am i like this?